ZZ Top - Antenna

Are record clubs still a thing? Is there some sort of mp3 equivalent? 12 downloads for a penny with membership, requiring a minimum purchase of five U2 albums at full retail value? People blindly accept Apple’s terms of agreement. We’ve got a potential moneymaker here.

If you never were a member of a record club, they operated on a double scam. Every month, they’d select an album and if you didn’t tell them “That album probably sucks ass, keep it in your third-world warehouse,” they’d send it to you and charge full retail. Full retail was an artificially inflated price point that served no purpose other than to give stores the appearance of selling merchandise at discounted prices. Long story short (too late), one month, I forgot to tell Columbia House to kiss my ass, and ZZ Top’s Antenna was delivered into my CD collection. For sixteen bucks 1990s money.

I have a theory about ZZ Top. The longer their beards are, the more their music sucks. Think about it. They were a great boogie rock band in the 70s. Then they grew those beards and started messing around with synthesizers. And no, “Sharp Dressed Man” is not a good song so shut up about it already.

I also have a theory about Kings of Leon. They can only make good music when they have beards. I bet you didn’t realize facial hair could affect one’s artistic abilities.

I used to have a Hot Wheel of the car that appeared in all the ZZ Top videos. I thought it was worth mentioning.

Opener “Pincushion” actually has a good groove. It doesn’t quite harken back to their 70s glory, but it’s closer to that than it is their 80s tripe. Same for the “ballad” that follows it, “Breakaway,” which is really more of a slow blues jam. Okay, I’m looking forward to the rest of this album. I don’t know if I ever actually listened to it before, but it makes me want to boogie.

Did ZZ Top trim their beards while making this album? Dammit. Well, I’m pretty sure my Kings Of Leon theory still holds up.

I wouldn’t consider this essential listening or anything, but if you’re into southern-fried boogie blues rock, Antenna is a worthwhile addition to your collection. Just don’t grow your beard that long. Unless you’re Zakk Wylde. Zakk Wylde can grow his beard as long as he wants. But only because he scares me.

Motley Crue - Motley Crue

I bought this album on cassette and there was a sticker that said it was a “digalog” cassette, which was mastered from a digital source so that the sound quality would be comparable to that of a compact disc. It was the last gasp of the dying cassette industry. Whilst reminiscing on this fact, a few thoughts popped into my head:

1.) I feel really old whenever I think about how many albums I’ve owned on cassette.
2.) I find this tidbit more interesting than anything Motley Crue-related.
3.) I am really pretentious for using the word “whilst.”

If you’re not up on your Motley Crue lore, let me save you a trip to Google. Vince Neil had parted ways with the band and was replaced by John Corabi. Nikki Sixx claimed that the band was now going to be more kick ass because Corabi was a kick ass singer, plus he played guitar, so now the band was going to be even heavier and more metal and a lot of hyperbole.

They then released a self titled album that was met with complete indifference. So they kicked Corabi out and reunited with Vince Neil (whose solo career had been met with complete indifference) to release more albums that were met with complete indifference. Upon reuniting, Nikki Sixx said that Corabi was a kick ass singer, but he wasn’t a bubblegum singer, and that’s what the Crue really needed.

(Mental note: I read too many issues of Metal Edge growing up.)

(Mental note #2: Why is that a bad thing?)

The album starts off with a pretty sweet guitar riff before quickly devolving into a mess of generic 90s hard rock/metal, the kind KISS was churning out at the time. As I’m wont to do with these crappy albums, I’ve started to tune out. I’m surprised when I find that I’m on track 6 instead of track 1 being a 25 minute opus as I originally thought. Why do I torture myself for the sake of a blog being read by one person? (Love ya, Ken!)

It’s ironic that track 9 is called “Welcome To The Numb.” I went numb long ago, I think maybe 45 seconds into the first song. “Smoke The Sky” is possibly the worst marijuana song I’ve ever heard. And I’ve listened to Afroman’s album.

Four songs left and I’m wondering if the integrity of this blog is worth the pain. Confession time. I used to write music reviews for Generation Magazine and sometimes I wouldn’t finish listening to the CD. My view is that if the first 3/4 of an album sucks, the last 1/4 isn’t going to change my mind.

Okay, I tap. Motley Crue may have written the greatest song ever and put it at the end of this album. If that’s the case, fuck you, Motley Crue. But I’m sure I’m justified in not seeing this to the end. Plus, those last few songs are actually bonus tracks from the re-release, so technically, I did make it to the end.

Ghostbusters II Soundtrack

Read the previous two entries on the background to this entry. This is the third of the first three CDs I ever owned.

There’s three kinds of people in the world: those who love Ghostbusters, those who hate it, and those who don’t really care one way or the other. You know what, screw trying to write a witty intro. There was a movie, they made a sequel, this is the soundtrack to the sequel.

Things start off with Bobby Brown’s “On Our Own,” which is an awesome tune. And why shouldn’t it be? It’s essentially “Every Little Step” with Ghostbuster-centric lyrics. But then it’s followed up by a Bobby Brown-less New Edition track. At first this seems like a gracious gesture on Brown’s part, allowing his former bandmates a spot in the Ghostbusters II glory. But listening to the limp song, it’s obvious Brown wanted to highlight how much they suck without him. Well played, Mr. Whitney Houston, well played.

Next up is J.T. Taylor with a lame attempt at a Bobby Brown-type ballad, followed by another fun, bouncy Bobby Brown song. Wait, is the purpose of this soundtrack to show how much more awesome he is than his R&B peers? Because you don’t need to resort to such cheap tricks, Bobby. By 1990, it had been scientifically proven you were the best new jack swing had to offer.

Doug E Fresh and Run DMC throw some great Ghostbusters-centric raps at us. Sure, they don’t rank high with either artist’s catalogue, but so what? I’m having too much fun at this point. Ditto the selections from Oingo Boingo, Elton John, and Glenn Frey. Nothing essential or classic to be found on this record, but aside from some filler, it’s a jubilant ride. Is jubilant the right word? I didn’t want to say fun again.

One complaint, though. I understand that they wanted to keep sales of the soundtrack to the first Ghostbusters strong, but couldn’t they have given us the Ghostbusters theme? Or at least Huey Lewis’ “I Want A New Drug”? (Look it up, kids, if you don’t get it.)

Freddy's Dead Soundtrack

Last time on Soundtrack To My Youth, young Al had received a Christmas gift of a CD player and 3 CDs. Those CDs had been chosen for him based on movies he had enjoyed. Old Al takes a trip in the Wayback Machine to see if those were wise choices. Now let us return to our tale as he slashes his way through another CD.

I saw A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master in the theater. In retrospect, I’m not sure what my mom was thinking, considering I was 7 at the time. But I was already a huge fan of the series. When A Nightmare On Elm Street 5: The Dream Child rolled around, I was in the theater for that one too. Then I got in trouble in fourth grade for carrying my schoolwork in a Freddy Krueger folder. My teacher didn’t like the idea of glorifying serial killers. But hey, if Freddy is such a bad role model, why would they make Freddy Krueger folders for kids to carry their schoolwork in? Anyways, this was the same teacher who wouldn’t let me write an essay on Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake because wrestlers only know how to solve problems with violence.

Of course, I had to be there opening night for Freddy’s Dead that at the end of the film, Freddy would indeed be dead, ending my beloved series. Of course, we should’ve known better when Iggy Pop snarled “Do you really think Freddy’s dead?” in the theme song. Fuck you, Iggy. Warn us when there’s a spoiler alert ahead.

If I had to guess the film’s plot based solely on the soundtrack, I’d think Freddy dies from listening to the Goo Goo Dolls. Seriously, they have three songs on here. Probably because the album was released on Metal Blade. Speaking of which, how the hell did the Goos get signed to Metal Blade? Granted, they hadn’t turned into a godawful adult contemporary band yet, but a second-rate Replacements rip-off still seems out of place.

That said, the Goo Goo Dolls tracks (two of which were taken from Hold Me Up, which I’ll revisit in a future blog) are pretty good. They sound like something Paul Westerberg would’ve written if he needed a few more songs for his album and was running out of studio time and pretty much just didn’t give a shit.

Maybe their songs just seem better because the rest of the record, other than Chubb Rock’s excellent single “Treat ‘Em Right,” is bland at best, cringe-worthy at worst. The 90s were not a good time for Iggy Pop’s creative juices (they must have drained out with all the blood he had lost by then). Maybe the Fates Warning song is good. I don’t know. I hate progressive metal. Freddy may not be dead, but I wish prog-metal was.

Batman Returns Soundtrack

When I was twelve, my mom decided the best Christmas gift she could get me was a CD player. Remember, we’re talking early 90s, so this was a pretty big deal. Of course, it would’ve been a lame gift without some CDs to go with it. Not knowing what type of music I was actually into, my mom decided to pick up some soundtracks, figuring that since I enjoyed the movies, I surely enjoyed the music as well. Plus, they were in the bargain bin, but I’m sure that had absolutely nothing to do with her decision. Over the next few blogs, I’ll revisit the first three CDs I ever owned. So let’s go to the movies, shall we?

The main thing I remember about Batman Returns is how hot Michelle Pfeiffer was as Catwoman. Even hotter than Julie Newmar! If I was married to Michelle Pfeiffer, I’d make her wear the Catwoman outfit and whip me while reciting dialogue from Dangerous Minds… What? Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be reviewing the soundtrack.

I’ve never understood the market for original scores. Am I supposed to listen to this and reminisce about watching the movie? Or do I blare it and swing from the chandelier, pretending that I’m the Dark Knight? Actually, the music is making me want to do that. Alfred, get my batarang.

Danny Elfman is a talented composer, and he does a great job of really creating mood and atmosphere. But I don’t really foresee myself pouring a glass of wine and putting on “Batman vs The Circus” to get my wife in the mood. That’s the only reason people listen to classical music, right? To get laid?

Oh yeah, there’s also a Siouxsie and the Banshees song. It’s fun and kind of sexy, but it’s no “Batdance.” How much more awesome would Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy have been had Prince done the soundtracks? 165.73 times more awesome. I did the math.

DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince - Rock The House

Sure, you know Will Smith the actor, but did you know he was also a rapper? Of course, you did. Eminem took a shot at him for bragging that he didn’t need to swear to sell records. But before we got the Big Willie who liked to get jiggy (I can never say that without feeling racist), we had the Fresh Prince. And before he moved to Bel Air, he got second billing to DJ Jazzy Jeff.

DJJ&TFP were a hit with the kids thanks to their infectious goofiness. You couldn’t be cool if you didn’t own one of their albums. So in my quest to be cool, I went to Hills (there’s a throwback) and got Rock The House on cassette (there’s another throwback) for five bucks!!! Of course, that’s five bucks 1980s money, which I think is equivalent to about $100 when adjusted for inflation.

I don’t have too many memories when it comes to this album. I owned this, one friend owned He’s The DJ, I’m The Rapper, and another friend owned In This Corner, so we made up the DJJ&TFP trifecta. Yeah, that’s pretty much all I remember. So let’s spin the vinyl and see if I get any longer lasting memories. And by spin the vinyl, I mean hit play on Spotify.

Things kick off with a sample of the I Dream Of Jeannie theme. So right from the beginning of his career, Will Smith was all about samples. Granted, this was common for hip hop, but Smith took it to such an obnoxious level in his solo albums that even Puff Daddy shook his head in shame.

Man, I miss this style of hip hop. Goofy stories over bouncy beats. What’s Biz Markie up to these days? I imagine an alternate universe where we got Biz Markie Of Bel Air then he went on to star in a biopic of George Foreman. Where’s the portal to take me to that universe?

There’s really not much to say about this album. If you’ve ever heard any song DJJ&TFP put out between 1987 and 1989, Rock The House is essentially ten variations on that song. Not that that’s a bad thing. These guys are clearly the life of the party, a party that I never want to end. Please don’t kick me out, Jazz. I can sleep on the couch. Actually, Fresh Prince claims Jazzy Jeff is an Autobot, so maybe it’s best I do what he says.

I wouldn’t quite classify Rock The House as a must-have. But if you find it on sale for five bucks, preferably on cassette, pick it up. Throw it in a boombox. Put on some acid-washed jeans, or better yet, a tracksuit. Get some heavy gold chains. And proceed to sway your dwelling.

Def Leppard - Adrenalize

Let’s be honest with ourselves here. Everyone has a Def Leppard phase. I can’t explain it. Some sort of faulty wiring from God. But there has been or there will be a period in which you think Def Leppard is cool. It’s best to just accept it and move on.

So which Lep album did I crank out? Pyromania with the pulsating ode to stupidity “Rock Of Ages”? Or perhaps Hysteria with the iconic stripper anthem “Pour Some Sugar On Me”? Nope, I had Adrenalize with… um… something, I guess.

Looking over the tracklist, not much of it seems familiar, which is kind of odd. I remember the album being pretty huge at the time. I even had the accompanying Visualize VHS, featuring the seven music videos released for this album. Yes, out of the 10 songs, 7 (!) were released as singles. Who do these guys think they are? Michael Jackson?

According to Wikipedia, this album knocked Nirvana’s Nevermind from the #1 spot on Billboard. A cheesy hair metal band beat out the kings of grunge during the height of grunge??? So why did we as a nation decide to collectively erase this from our memories? Maybe the answer lies inside. Let’s hit play.

(Is it too late to listen to Thriller or Nevermind instead? I’m scared)

Okay, things start off on a decent note with the fun little romp “Let’s Get Rocked.” I think Lep might be the only band that likes rock n’ roll more than AC/DC. Though I must question the line “I’m sick and tired of dancing with this broom.” Is this something teenage boys do in England?

Then track 2 starts and my lactose intolerance is already giving me diarrhea. Where’s Bon Scott when you need him? Oh yeah, choked on his own vomit.

Lep guitarist Steve Clark choked on his own vomit before the recording of this album. AC/DC went on to make Back In Black. Def Leppard went on to make this.

Continuing with my stream of consciousness here, I remember on the Visualize tape, there was an interview with Joe Elliott saying that they still had the punk rock spirit. Um, okay?

We’re halfway through the album and I’m ready to throw in the towel when “Stand Up, Kick Love Into Motion” catches me by surprise. This is a power ballad that can stand tall amongst the best the eighties had to offer. I mean, if you’re into that sort of stuff. Which I most certainly am not. *locks door and shuts blinds*

And then we’re back into “Def Leppard makes me hate music and life in general” territory. I’m beginning to think that “Stand Up” only seems good because of the craptasticness of the rest of the album.

This is essentially, Hysteria, Pt. 2. Def Leppard does all the things that Def Leppard does. So I guess if you’re in your Def Leppard phase and have finished listening to Hysteria, you could do worse than this. You could also do a lot better. Like not listening to Def Leppard.

Before I’m completely done with this, I’ll watch the video for “Let’s Get Rocked.” It was kind of cool back in the day, with its state-of-the-art CGI animation. I dare say the graphics can stand up alongside the stuff you see these days. In commercials for The General Insurance, I mean.

Paula Abdul - "Shut Up And Dance: The Dance Mixes"

In that magical time when the 80s were ending and the 90s were beginning, Paula Abdul was crazy hot. Nowadays, she’s just crazy, but truth be told, I’d still hit it. My wife’s not reading this blog, is she?

Before I fully gave my soul over to rock n’ roll, I dug Paula Abdul’s music. It was catchy and had a good beat. Plus she was crazy hot, and back then, that went a long way in influencing my musical tastes. So I asked my parents to get me Forever Your Girl. My stepdad went to The Wall (there’s a throwback for you, kids) and came back with this instead.

But I didn’t care. All the hits were there, albeit in a different form. And there were pictures of Abdul. Did I mention that a large part of why I liked her was the fact that she was crazy hot? But how will I feel about this album now that I’m older and a singer’s hotness has only a partial influence on my musical tastes. Let’s give this a spin.

Man, this is jarring. I know these songs, yet they feel all wrong. First off, let me vent of my semantic displeasure with the term remix. Shouldn’t a remix be just changing the levels of everything in the mix? You know, remix = mixing again. Shouldn’t adding new elements or changing tempos qualify as something else? I digress.

Wow, this gets painful quick. I think the remixers just took the songs and hit some of the presequenced settings on their Casio. The “Aw yeah!” on the “Straight Up” remix cracks me up, I could’ve been a remixer in the 90s. Maybe I still can be one. Does DeVry offer a course in remixing?

Most of the tracks clock in just under 7 minutes (with the medley mix clocking just over 7 minutes), but they all seem to last for 20 minutes. Maybe this album contains the key to time manipulation. Perhaps this’d work better if I was in a club, grinding against a hottie, telling her that my uncle knows a guy who goes to the same gym as the window washer for Virgin Records’ executive building.

In closing, listening to this album killed any chance there was of me starting a Paula Abdul cover band. In fact, it killed any chance of me loving music again. Not really. But I feel hollow inside, a hollowness that can only be filled by tacos. To the taco truck!

GREEN DAY - INSOMNIAC

Like many of my generation, Green Day was my introduction to “punk.” Hey, cut me slack. Not all 13 year olds are aware of the world of music outside of mainstream radio, especially not back in the early 90s. Green Day’s Dookie was catchy with enough snotty attitude to be a hit amongst my high school peers. Then came the follow-up.

I’m hesitant to consider Insomniac the forgotten Green Day album, especially when Warning exists. Insomniac is more the overlooked Green Day album.

A lot of my friends hated the album for essentially be an inferior rehash of Dookie. While I also thought it wasn’t quite as good as Dookie, I still found it to be something I could rock out to at the time. Can I still rock out to it in my late thirties? Let’s find out.

In hindsight, it’s probably best to view this more as a pop album rather than a punk album. And on those terms, it more or less succeeds. The melodies are catchy and everything moves along briskly. But in a way, that’s also to the album’s detriment. One of the first things I noticed is that nothing really sinks in.

No real surprises here. Other than the singles “Geek Stink Breath”, “Brain Stew”, and “Jaded” (yeah, yeah, I know they were released as one single, but technically, they’re too separate songs) and the uncharacteristically long intro to “Panic Song,” nothing really jumps out.

That said, it is still a fun listen. The snotty attitude is entertaining and the brief running time ensures it doesn’t wear out its welcome. And no cheesy ballads. Not a classic by any means, but there’s worse ways to waste a half hour of your life.

Welcome to my latest attempt at a blog. Not to be confused with my abandoned "Soundtrack To My Life" blog. We all have embarrasing skeletons in our musical closets, and I'll be airing some of mine. Taking albums that I loved in my teens and twenties but haven't listened to in ages, I'll see how my old man self reacts to them. I have no fear of looking uncool. You probably didn't think I was cool to begin with.