Monday, February 29, 2016

ZZ Top - Antenna




Are record clubs still a thing? Is there some sort of mp3 equivalent? 12 downloads for a penny with membership, requiring a minimum purchase of five U2 albums at full retail value? People blindly accept Apple’s terms of agreement. We’ve got a potential moneymaker here.

If you never were a member of a record club, they operated on a double scam. Every month, they’d select an album and if you didn’t tell them “That album probably sucks ass, keep it in your third-world warehouse,” they’d send it to you and charge full retail. Full retail was an artificially inflated price point that served no purpose other than to give stores the appearance of selling merchandise at discounted prices. Long story short (too late), one month, I forgot to tell Columbia House to kiss my ass, and ZZ Top’s Antenna was delivered into my CD collection. For sixteen bucks 1990s money.

I have a theory about ZZ Top. The longer their beards are, the more their music sucks. Think about it. They were a great boogie rock band in the 70s. Then they grew those beards and started messing around with synthesizers. And no, “Sharp Dressed Man” is not a good song so shut up about it already.

I also have a theory about Kings of Leon. They can only make good music when they have beards. I bet you didn’t realize facial hair could affect one’s artistic abilities.

I used to have a Hot Wheel of the car that appeared in all the ZZ Top videos. I thought it was worth mentioning.

Opener “Pincushion” actually has a good groove. It doesn’t quite harken back to their 70s glory, but it’s closer to that than it is their 80s tripe. Same for the “ballad” that follows it, “Breakaway,” which is really more of a slow blues jam. Okay, I’m looking forward to the rest of this album. I don’t know if I ever actually listened to it before, but it makes me want to boogie.

Did ZZ Top trim their beards while making this album? Dammit. Well, I’m pretty sure my Kings Of Leon theory still holds up.

I wouldn’t consider this essential listening or anything, but if you’re into southern-fried boogie blues rock, Antenna is a worthwhile addition to your collection. Just don’t grow your beard that long. Unless you’re Zakk Wylde. Zakk Wylde can grow his beard as long as he wants. But only because he scares me.

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