Twister - Original Soundtrack

Soundtracks are kind of more fun to revisit for this blog, because so many different artists contribute stuff, and usually it’s not something new they wrote. Oftentimes, it’s just something leftover from their most recent recording session. So most soundtrack albums are chock full of forgettable material. And listening to stuff I’ve forgotten is kind of the point of this blog.

The main goal of soundtracks is creating a new hit for some major act. In the case of Twister, Van Halen was tapped to provide “Humans Being,” a.k.a. the song that broke up Van Hagar. Now, I loved Twister (it’s got a cow stuck in a tornado, fer chrissakes!), but the film’s drama was nothing compared to the battle between The Red Rocker and the Brothers Van Halen. As with his basslines, Michael Anthony was just there, bringing no attention to himself.

There were two major points of contention. First, Sammy chose to stay with his pregnant wife and watch the birth of his daughter rather than come back and work on a second VH song for the soundtrack. What an asshole. Second, Eddie was unhappy with Sammy’s original lyrics because they referenced tornadoes, and according to Eddie, the producers most definitely did not want that. Of course, the producers also included Tori Amos’ “Talula – BT’s Tornado Mix,” with lyrics about chasing tornadoes, but you don’t say no to the Amos.

Anyway, it’s a shame because “Humans Being” and “Don’t Tell Me (What Love Can Do)” from Balance showed Van Hagar moving in a really awesome direction.

“Virtual Reality” wasn’t Rusted Root’s hit, but I’m guessing it’s better than their hit because I don’t remember their hit at all, and this one’s fairly catchy. Tori Amos out-Tori Amos everyone with the aforementioned “Talula – BT’s Tornado Mix.” That implies a different mix. But this is the exact same mix and exact same title as the version that appears on Boys For Pele. Actually Wikipedia tells me that the original song was replaced on later pressings after the Tornado Mix became a hit. I hate when artists do that. Stick to your original vision, dammit! Well, at least she didn’t replace “Professional Widow” with the horrid remix.

Wait, I’m not reviewing a Tori Amos album, am I?

Well, all the rambling means I won’t give in-depth analysis of Alison Krause’s and Mark Knopfler’s melatonin-inducing tracks. Yeah, that’s the reason I don’t want to talk about those songs. Though in So Long And Thanks For All The Fish, Douglas Adams all but tells you that Mark Knopfler songs will get you laid. By getting her to fall asleep, I guess? Dear God, Douglas Adams, why are you promoting date rape?

Oops, went off-topic again. Adams is dead, right? He can’t sue me for libel.

Soul Asylum’s song starts off interesting then delves into “meh,” much like Soul Asylum themselves. Belly’s “Broken” goes down easily, though the melody feels like Courtney Love if Love had straightened up in school and got good grades and stayed off drugs. That’d be an interesting issue of What If…? kd Lang and Lisa Loeb then show up to remind me that I’m supposed to be sleeping. I think. For a movie where tornadoes tear shit up and throw cows across the sky, why can’t the soundtrack be bothered to be a little exciting?

The Chili Peppers continue the “go to sleep” motif with the mellow “Melancholy Mechanics.” Though, in fairness, this is when Dave Navarro was in the band, so even if they did try to rock, it’d be as boring. The Goo Goo Dolls kick things up with a “new mix” of their last good song, “Long Way Down.” It sounds exactly as the mix on A Boy Named Goo. I played both versions back to back to make sure. And I double-checked with Wikipedia. They did not pull a Tori and replace the original with the remix.

Then Shania Twain shows up with extra-twang country. It feels so out-of-place that, at first, I thought Spotify was playing an ad. Then a mediocre Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham tune about chasing storms. I’m calling bullshit on Eddie’s claim that the producers didn’t want tornado-related lyrics. The album closes with an almost six minute instrumental by the brothers Van Halen (I guess Michael Anthony wasn’t invited?) to ensure I go to sleep properly. Good night. Wake me if a tornado comes through.

Van Halen - "Balance"

The album cover pisses me off. No, I don’t find it offensive. I think the concept of Siamese twins forming the Van Halen logo is pretty cool. But the one kid’s leg is pointing the wrong way!!! Did no one notice that? Were they all too busy telling Eddie, “No, no, that goatee totally looks cool on you”?

Van Hagar gets a lot of flak, but as a kid, I dug them. Granted, they gave us “Right Now,” a song so horrible, it single-handedly killed Crystal Pepsi. But they also gave us “I Can’t Drive 55.” What? That’s one of Sammy’s solo songs? What about “There’s Only One Way To Rock”? “Heavy Metal”? “Buying My Way Into Heaven”? All solo Hagar? Okay, then why did I like Van Hagar?

In all fairness, Van Halen was already on the trajectory into suckiness by the time Sammy joined. The two preceding albums were Diver Down and 1984. And people only think 1984 is a good album because it has “Hot For Teacher.”

Album opener “The Seventh Seal” features chanting monks, because this was the 90s, and for some reason, chanting monks was a really big thing at the time. But it’s a solid rocker, even if it feels more like Sammy Hagar solo track due to the lack of Eddie’s signature guitar wankery, er, wizardy. But then it’s followed by “Can’t Stop Lovin’ You,” which highlights everything you hate about Van Hagar. I’m surprised some country artist hasn’t covered this already. I could see Carrie Underwood belting this out… Okay, no lie, after I wrote that line, I double checked with Wikipedia to see if anyone had covered it. Carrie Underwood did a duet with Aerosmith on an unrelated song also titled “Can’t Stop Lovin’ You.” I didn’t even have subconscious knowledge of this existing!

Saying “Don’t Tell Me (What Love Can Do)” is the best thing Van Hagar ever did is kind of like saying you’re the valedictorian of remedial class. Not much strong competition. But in this case, it’s a little more akin to Albert Einstein accidentally finding himself in remedial class. The main riff is on par with “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love.” Then the album veers back into mediocrity with “Amsterdam.” I remember an interview in Guitar World where Eddie said he hated the song because the lyrics had no substance. So I guess he also hates the entire David Lee Roth era of Van Halen.

“Not Enough” is a power ballad worthy of the 80s. Maybe Carrie Underwood can cover this. Hey, Carrie, give me a call. I’ll produce your next album. It’ll essentially be a tribute to Van Hagar, but we’ll sell millions.

Normally, I’m of the opinion that when a band does an instrumental, the singer just got lazy and didn’t want to write lyrics for the song. Balance features three instrumentals. But I’ll cut Sammy some slack. Considering how much the Van Halens hated him at this point, it’s understandable he wouldn’t want to come to the studio every day.

Overall, this album isn’t that bad. Certainly better than it has any right to be. But it doesn’t deserve a spot in your record collection.

No Alternative

Like 98% of the people who bought this album, I did so for one reason alone. An exclusive Nirvana song. Which was presented as a hidden track. I never understood that. Why hide your album’s strongest selling point? Supposedly, Kurt Cobain didn’t want people buying it solely for a Nirvana song. Which makes even less sense, considering it’s a charity album. Wouldn’t you want to sell as many copies as possible, thus raising more money for the charity? Who cares why they were buying so long as they were buying it?

My main memory of No Alternative was the huge disappointment it was. Here you had 19 talented artists, plus Sarah McLachlan. This should’ve hit it out of the park, even if some of the bands decided to slack and not bring their A game. But it felt like very few of them even brought their B game. Still, now that I’m older and my musical taste has refined, maybe I can appreciate this disc more. But I’m skipping the Sarah McLachlan track, if it’s all the same to you.

Things get off to a great start with “Superdeformed,” possibly my favorite Matthew Sweet song. It’s a lot darker than most of his work (its opening line is “There’s something I should tell you before I take your blindfold off”), but there’s no hiding his knack for catchy melodies. Buffalo Tom’s “For All To See” is good enough to keep the momentum rolling, but dear Lord, who granted Soul Asylum permission to cover “Sexual Healing”? I’m pretty sure that even during the irony-drenched 90s, someone had to have thought, “Yeah, no” when the idea was proposed. Fuck you, Dave Pirner. This was for charity. Charity, man. Think of the children.

Not sure if Urge Overkill comes off sounding better by following that monstrosity, but American Music Club provide a pretty good jam with the awesomely titled “All Your Jeans Were Too Tight.” The only awesome thing about the Goo Goo Dolls’ cover of “Bitch” is the fact that Lance Diamond is on vocals. The further removed we are from 1993, the more surreal it seems that Lance Diamond appears on an album full of alternative rock’s heavyweights.

Pavement get all Pavementy with a song about REM. Honestly, what is the appeal of these guys? Billy Corgan’s not-yet-bald-but-still-oversized ego pops by with “Glynis.” A lot of people online seem to name check this as their favorite Smashing Pumpkins. These people clearly never heard “Drown” or “Mayonaise.” I didn’t care for this song back then, but it’s not so bad in hindsight, with the knowledge that one day MACHINA will be a thing. Except for the attempt at a funky breakdown. That’s as bad as I remembered. Or as I would have remembered if I hadn’t repressed that particular memory.

“Can’t Fight It” proves Bob Mould was still a good songwriter post-Husker Du, while “Hold On” proves I’m staying true to my word and skipping the Sarah McLachlan track. Unfortunately, Soundgarden’s “Show Me” did not show Chris Cornell that he shouldn’t let the other guys write songs. Though, like with the Smashing Pumpkins, it benefits with the hindsight of knowing Down On The Upside is a thing.

Next up is Straightjacket Fits, Barbara Manning, and The Verlaines. I didn’t know who they were then, I still don’t know who they are, and I’ll never bother learning who they are. According to Wikipedia, Barbara Manning’s track is a Verlaines cover. Cute.

Uncle Tupelo turn in an uninspired cover of CCR’s “Effigy.” Beastie Boys do a live version of “It’s The New Style.” Double U Tee Eff? If they were going to retread, couldn’t they have chosen something from Paul’s Boutique instead? The Breeders’ “Iris” is as unmemorable as the rest of their material. Patti Smith’s “Memorial Song” is actually quite beautiful but unfortunately it’s padded out with one of her pretentious spoken word intros.

And the Nirvana song? (Originally titled “Verse Chorus Verse” but later re-titled “Sappy”) Totally worth purchasing this album for. See, kids, this was back in the days before downloading. If you wanted this track, you had to buy No Alternative. But it’s easily in their top 5 recordings. Right behind side one of In Utero. Which would actually make this their seventh-best recording. Hey, stop questioning my math.

Wow, this review has gone on way too long. In closing, No Alternative isn’t worthy of all the hate I placed on it back in the day. But it also isn’t worthy of the nostalgia love it seems to get. Maybe I’ll pick it up again the next time I see it at a thrift store. Maybe I won’t. But goddamn, I still love that Nirvana song.

Goo Goo Dolls - "Hold Me Up"

HYPOTHETICAL: Let’s say you were in a band that rocked (moderately) and have been toiling away in obscurity for years. Then one day, you wake up and have a surprise hit with a crappy ballad. Do you now go back to rocking (moderately) or do you decide to make a career of crappy ballads?

We all know which direction Buffalo’s favorite sons, the Goo Goo Dolls, went. But before they were adult contemporary crooners, they were a Replacements rip-off. I got into them before they got famous, because I’m cool. That’s what makes you cool, kids. Getting into bands before they’re famous.

Actually, I got into them because they had three (3!) songs on the Freddy’s Dead soundtrack. Then I found out they were from Buffalo. So I had to get their CD because I thought that was how to support local music.

SIDE NOTE: How the hell did they get signed to Metal Blade Records???

FUN TRIVIA: Hold Me Up was produced by Armand John Petri, who also produced Milf’s Ha-Ha Bus, a much better album by a much better Buffalo band. I met Armand while I was working at Record Theatre. He told me that he passed on a chance to produce Metallica’s Kill ‘Em All because he didn’t think they were very good. But he did become Sixpence None The Richer’s manager because he thought they were destined for greatness. Also, he was best friends with Rainbow’s bassist’s cousin, or something like that.

Okay, I lied. That wasn’t fun at all. I knew that, but I went ahead and told it anyway. I apologize.

Right off the bat, it’s hard to believe this is the same band that gave us “Name” and “Iris” and all those other songs your mom likes. I remember a review of “Name” that said Johnny earnestly bares his soul open. Well, he does the same here on “Just The Way You Are” but without the melodrama and with a better melody and a rocking riff. This should’ve been the Goos’ breakout song. Their artistic development probably would’ve gone on a better trajectory had it been.

There’s a downright awesome cover of Prince’s “Never Take The Place Of Your Man” with the late Lance Diamond on vocals. There used to be a law that every resident of Buffalo had to go see Lance Diamond’s weekly live show at least once in their life. What, there wasn’t such a law? There should’ve been. Man, that guy was an awesome performer.

Robbie sings about half the songs here, giving the punk ying to Johnny’s pop yang, ensuring a good balance for the album. I think this was the turning point, as Robbie sang the great majority of the first two albums. And it wouldn’t be long before Johnny dominated. Which wouldn’t be a problem if he were still writing good songs.

“Two Days In February,” another should’ve-been-hit, perfectly illustrates the problem with the Goos’ supposed maturation. The version here is simple, bare bones and was even recorded outside. The stripped down feel lets you see just how beautiful of a song it is. After making it big, they re-recorded the song and turned it into an overpolished mess that surely ruined many a prom.