Twister - Original Soundtrack

Soundtracks are kind of more fun to revisit for this blog, because so many different artists contribute stuff, and usually it’s not something new they wrote. Oftentimes, it’s just something leftover from their most recent recording session. So most soundtrack albums are chock full of forgettable material. And listening to stuff I’ve forgotten is kind of the point of this blog.

The main goal of soundtracks is creating a new hit for some major act. In the case of Twister, Van Halen was tapped to provide “Humans Being,” a.k.a. the song that broke up Van Hagar. Now, I loved Twister (it’s got a cow stuck in a tornado, fer chrissakes!), but the film’s drama was nothing compared to the battle between The Red Rocker and the Brothers Van Halen. As with his basslines, Michael Anthony was just there, bringing no attention to himself.

There were two major points of contention. First, Sammy chose to stay with his pregnant wife and watch the birth of his daughter rather than come back and work on a second VH song for the soundtrack. What an asshole. Second, Eddie was unhappy with Sammy’s original lyrics because they referenced tornadoes, and according to Eddie, the producers most definitely did not want that. Of course, the producers also included Tori Amos’ “Talula – BT’s Tornado Mix,” with lyrics about chasing tornadoes, but you don’t say no to the Amos.

Anyway, it’s a shame because “Humans Being” and “Don’t Tell Me (What Love Can Do)” from Balance showed Van Hagar moving in a really awesome direction.

“Virtual Reality” wasn’t Rusted Root’s hit, but I’m guessing it’s better than their hit because I don’t remember their hit at all, and this one’s fairly catchy. Tori Amos out-Tori Amos everyone with the aforementioned “Talula – BT’s Tornado Mix.” That implies a different mix. But this is the exact same mix and exact same title as the version that appears on Boys For Pele. Actually Wikipedia tells me that the original song was replaced on later pressings after the Tornado Mix became a hit. I hate when artists do that. Stick to your original vision, dammit! Well, at least she didn’t replace “Professional Widow” with the horrid remix.

Wait, I’m not reviewing a Tori Amos album, am I?

Well, all the rambling means I won’t give in-depth analysis of Alison Krause’s and Mark Knopfler’s melatonin-inducing tracks. Yeah, that’s the reason I don’t want to talk about those songs. Though in So Long And Thanks For All The Fish, Douglas Adams all but tells you that Mark Knopfler songs will get you laid. By getting her to fall asleep, I guess? Dear God, Douglas Adams, why are you promoting date rape?

Oops, went off-topic again. Adams is dead, right? He can’t sue me for libel.

Soul Asylum’s song starts off interesting then delves into “meh,” much like Soul Asylum themselves. Belly’s “Broken” goes down easily, though the melody feels like Courtney Love if Love had straightened up in school and got good grades and stayed off drugs. That’d be an interesting issue of What If…? kd Lang and Lisa Loeb then show up to remind me that I’m supposed to be sleeping. I think. For a movie where tornadoes tear shit up and throw cows across the sky, why can’t the soundtrack be bothered to be a little exciting?

The Chili Peppers continue the “go to sleep” motif with the mellow “Melancholy Mechanics.” Though, in fairness, this is when Dave Navarro was in the band, so even if they did try to rock, it’d be as boring. The Goo Goo Dolls kick things up with a “new mix” of their last good song, “Long Way Down.” It sounds exactly as the mix on A Boy Named Goo. I played both versions back to back to make sure. And I double-checked with Wikipedia. They did not pull a Tori and replace the original with the remix.

Then Shania Twain shows up with extra-twang country. It feels so out-of-place that, at first, I thought Spotify was playing an ad. Then a mediocre Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham tune about chasing storms. I’m calling bullshit on Eddie’s claim that the producers didn’t want tornado-related lyrics. The album closes with an almost six minute instrumental by the brothers Van Halen (I guess Michael Anthony wasn’t invited?) to ensure I go to sleep properly. Good night. Wake me if a tornado comes through.