Van Halen - "Balance"

The album cover pisses me off. No, I don’t find it offensive. I think the concept of Siamese twins forming the Van Halen logo is pretty cool. But the one kid’s leg is pointing the wrong way!!! Did no one notice that? Were they all too busy telling Eddie, “No, no, that goatee totally looks cool on you”?

Van Hagar gets a lot of flak, but as a kid, I dug them. Granted, they gave us “Right Now,” a song so horrible, it single-handedly killed Crystal Pepsi. But they also gave us “I Can’t Drive 55.” What? That’s one of Sammy’s solo songs? What about “There’s Only One Way To Rock”? “Heavy Metal”? “Buying My Way Into Heaven”? All solo Hagar? Okay, then why did I like Van Hagar?

In all fairness, Van Halen was already on the trajectory into suckiness by the time Sammy joined. The two preceding albums were Diver Down and 1984. And people only think 1984 is a good album because it has “Hot For Teacher.”

Album opener “The Seventh Seal” features chanting monks, because this was the 90s, and for some reason, chanting monks was a really big thing at the time. But it’s a solid rocker, even if it feels more like Sammy Hagar solo track due to the lack of Eddie’s signature guitar wankery, er, wizardy. But then it’s followed by “Can’t Stop Lovin’ You,” which highlights everything you hate about Van Hagar. I’m surprised some country artist hasn’t covered this already. I could see Carrie Underwood belting this out… Okay, no lie, after I wrote that line, I double checked with Wikipedia to see if anyone had covered it. Carrie Underwood did a duet with Aerosmith on an unrelated song also titled “Can’t Stop Lovin’ You.” I didn’t even have subconscious knowledge of this existing!

Saying “Don’t Tell Me (What Love Can Do)” is the best thing Van Hagar ever did is kind of like saying you’re the valedictorian of remedial class. Not much strong competition. But in this case, it’s a little more akin to Albert Einstein accidentally finding himself in remedial class. The main riff is on par with “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love.” Then the album veers back into mediocrity with “Amsterdam.” I remember an interview in Guitar World where Eddie said he hated the song because the lyrics had no substance. So I guess he also hates the entire David Lee Roth era of Van Halen.

“Not Enough” is a power ballad worthy of the 80s. Maybe Carrie Underwood can cover this. Hey, Carrie, give me a call. I’ll produce your next album. It’ll essentially be a tribute to Van Hagar, but we’ll sell millions.

Normally, I’m of the opinion that when a band does an instrumental, the singer just got lazy and didn’t want to write lyrics for the song. Balance features three instrumentals. But I’ll cut Sammy some slack. Considering how much the Van Halens hated him at this point, it’s understandable he wouldn’t want to come to the studio every day.

Overall, this album isn’t that bad. Certainly better than it has any right to be. But it doesn’t deserve a spot in your record collection.