Sugar Ray - Lemonade And Brownies

When I was younger, I had a tendency to buy albums from bands I had never had heard just because it had a cool album cover. And by cool album cover, I mean it had a hot chick on it. And thus, Sugar Ray’s Lemonade and Brownies came into my life.

Their next album had “Fly,” which made them megastars. Strangely, I got instant credibility for having listened to Sugar Ray before they became popular. Yes, kids, listening to Sugar Ray gave me cred points. The 90s were a weird time.

If you know Sugar Ray from their singles, then you probably don’t know that they originally started as a bad funk metal band. Hell, I kind of forgot myself. But “Rhyme Stealer” quickly reminds me of that. Emphasis on the bad. It reminds me of those tracks towards the end of the early Chili Peppers albums that were clearly there just to pad out the running time.

“Iron Mic” is about how Mike Tyson needs to be released from prison. I think Tyson might have already been released by the time this came out. I once saw Sugar Ray live (it was a free show) and Tyson had definitely already been freed, yet they performed this song, free of irony.

If I didn’t think it could get worse, Mark McGrath busts into falsetto on “Hold Your Eyes.” If they were a little bit more famous, maybe someone would’ve told him no. Instead, everyone probably just shrugged their shoulders and said, “It’s not like anyone’s going to listen to this.”

Did you know that’s Nicole Eggert on the album cover? I’ve always wondered what exactly her level of fame is. I mean, sometimes I think she’s pretty famous. Other times, I think very few people know who she actually is. Hell, I even had to go to Wikipedia to figure out what she was famous for. Oh, I forgot she was on Charles In Charge. She owns an ice cream truck now. So, at the time of Lemonade and Brownies, her level of fame was somewhere below a sitcom actress and above an ice cream truck driver.

“Mean Machine” actually ain’t too bad. Though it’s better with Beavis and Butthead on commentary.





“Dance Party USA” is probably the height of their lyrical prowess: “I’m like the Real World, first I was in New York, then LA, now Frisco.” I dread how long the song would be if they included every subsequent season. If I have to give praise to this album, it’s that I’ll most likely forget it in an hour.

“Danzig Needs A Hug” is an awesome title that a good band could’ve turned into an awesome song. Alas, instead we get an attempt at a slow funk jam. Then “Drive By” is a horrible skit about how it’s impossible to understand the guy at the drive-thru… You know what? I quit. No funny joke to end this on. I just can’t. I’ve wasted enough of my life as it is.

The Beavis And Butthead Experience

Do I need to give the backstory of Beavis and Butthead? I’m assuming if you’re reading this, it’s probably because you know me, which means you’re roughly around my age group, give or take 10 years. Though you may not remember just how insanely popular they were at the time. It was the favorite cartoon of all the very juvenile idiots it was mocking… Hey, wait a minute.

I could probably write about how Beavis and Butthead was a major turning point in the history of MTV and maybe even animation itself, but fuck that, this isn’t English Lit.

Like many successful shows, Beavis and Butthead spawned a companion album. Companion albums are interesting. They’re not quite soundtracks, as the songs usually don’t appear on the shows. Instead, the songs are meant to invoke the mood of the show. Which is why The Beavis And Butthead Experience is kind of weird. Some of the bands don’t seem like the type that Beavis and Butthead would be into. Then again, I was into all of these bands at the time, so it’s not completely unlikely that they would be, too.

You might think AC/DC and Metallica are assholes for not appearing on this. After all, the boys wear their shirts all the time. But AC/DC probably had contract issues with their record label or something, after all, they did involve Beavis and Butthead on the Ballbreaker tour.



Metallica, on the other hand, probably were just assholes. Fucking Lars.

After a kind of amusing Beavis and Butthead intro that scared my cats, we go into Nirvana’s “I Hate Myself And Want To Die.” Even at the time, it felt really out of place. But history has sapped any dark humor the track might’ve held. It was the last Nirvana song to be released before Kurt Cobain killed himself. Still, it’s an outtake from the In Utero sessions, meaning it’s noisy and beautiful and better than anything on Nevermind. At the end, Butthead says, “Woah, that ruled.” Well spoken, sir.

Then we get a fantasy sequence where Beavis and Butthead hang out on Anthrax’ tour bus. It’s even funnier than Anthrax’ appearance on Married… With Children. Then they go into an okay cover of Beastie Boys’ “Looking Down The Barrel Of The Gun.” It was a very weird era for Anthrax (they also covered The Smiths for the Airheads soundtrack around the same time).

The slow groove parody “Come To Butthead” wears out its welcome quickly then things get serious again with the humorless Megadeth providing “99 Ways To Die,” one of the better songs from their commercial phase. The video for this track is all about hammering home an anti-gun message, furthering the disconnect between the song and the comedic nature of the album.

Back to the funny with another fantasy sequence where Beavis and Butthead hang out with Run DMC. How many metalheads back then actually liked Run DMC? Then again, I knew a lot of fans of the show back then who hated metal. Unfortunately, the boys from Hollis Queen tried to update their sound, which was probably a good idea at the time, but 90s hip hop hasn’t held up as well as 80s hip hop.

Aerosmith’s “Deuces Are Wild” is an AOR power ballad that their management decided wasn’t good enough for Pump. Yeah, gotta side with the suits on that one. Butthead’s comment that “these guys are the kings of rock” must’ve been mandated by the record company.

White Zombie gets all White Zombiey on “I Am Hell.” Primus get all Primusy on “Poetry And Prose.” (Though the lyrics are about watching the Beavis And Butthead cartoon. I’m not sure if that’s meta or breaking the fourth wall in the context of this album.) Sir Mix-A-Lot gets all Sir Mix-A-Loty on “Monster Mack.” And the Red Hot Chili Peppers get all shitty on a cover of “Search And Destroy.”

Jackyl’s “Mental Masturbation” has a decent boogie groove, but they should’ve brought their chainsaw.

Then we cap it all off with the album’s highlight: Beavis and Butthead teaming up with Cher on a truly awesome cover of “I Got You Babe.” (Okay, technically there’s a pointless reprise of “Come To Butthead” as a hidden track, but we won’t count it.) This track alone justifies the album’s existence.

This album is a very mixed bag and wildly uneven in tone, but the good outweigh the bad. In this mp3 world of ours, download those good songs and file them in their respective band’s folders on your playlist.

Plus this:

For Squirrels - "Example"

Let’s be honest. If you know of For Squirrels, it’s because half the band tragically died in a bus accident right before the release of Example. Upon hearing the story on the radio, my stepdad, thinking the band’s name was Four Squirrels, asked, “Are they going to change their name to Two Squirrels now?” My stepdad’s comedy career never took off.

I remember feeling at the time that the album showcased the band’s potential rather the band’s ability. Perhaps because of the circumstances surrounding the album, I listened to it for what it could be, not what it was. I’ll try to remedy it this time around. I will judge solely on the music. And be forewarned, this may be my least funny blog entry so far. Not because I feel any sort of morality to keep things respectful. If anything, mathematically speaking, this should be comedy gold. Tragedy + Time = Comedy. Both addends are high in this equation, so the sum should be proportionally higher.

But that joke has left a bad taste in my mouth. Fuck you, stepdad. If you hadn’t stolen a cable box one time so that I could watch Wrestlemania V as a kid, you’d be in running for worst stepparent ever. And I’m including all stepparents that have appeared in Disney.

The opening track is titled “8:02pm,” so I’m wondering if that’s some sort of code and I’m supposed to start playing the album at exactly 8:02pm while smoking acorns in order to see a giant squirrel appear before me. But my luck, I’d only get a chipmunk. It’s an irresistibly catchy tune nonetheless. Ditto “Orangeworker,” which reminds me of Green-era R.E.M. Maybe, the Orangeworker has an Orange Crush… I told you this wasn’t going to be a very funny blog entry.

“Superstar” reminds me of Monster-era R.E.M. And I mean that as a compliment. I think I’m the only person in the world who actually likes that album. Then we reach the “hit” single “The Mighty K.C.” I don’t know if it fully counts as a hit, but it got a fair amount of airtime at the time. It was probably due more to a combination of the band’s tragic backstory and the fact that it was about Kurt Cobain.

Sure, this was a year and a half after Cobain’s suicide, but we as a nation still hadn’t come to terms with our grief. Hell, Bush was still churning out hits with their paint-by-Nirvana formulaic tunes. But “The Mighty K.C.” is a hell of a song. I don’t get why this is no longer in regular radio rotation but Marcy Playground’s “Sex And Candy” is.

“Long Live The King” has a goofy kind of weird energy that could pass off as a Pixies outtake. You know what? This album is really good. Not amazingly good, but “I’ll pick it up the next time I find it used” good. It’s no masterpiece by far, but there’s no bad songs either, which is just as important.

Ultimately, it’s impossible not to listen to this without some bit of a “what could have been” filter. A couple more albums and they may have given us a true masterpiece. Or they may have just fizzled and this would’ve been their sole shining moment anyhow. But boy, does it ever shine. Queue this album up on Spotify sometime, it deserves 40 minutes of your time. I’d advise against smoking acorns, though.

Twister - Original Soundtrack

Soundtracks are kind of more fun to revisit for this blog, because so many different artists contribute stuff, and usually it’s not something new they wrote. Oftentimes, it’s just something leftover from their most recent recording session. So most soundtrack albums are chock full of forgettable material. And listening to stuff I’ve forgotten is kind of the point of this blog.

The main goal of soundtracks is creating a new hit for some major act. In the case of Twister, Van Halen was tapped to provide “Humans Being,” a.k.a. the song that broke up Van Hagar. Now, I loved Twister (it’s got a cow stuck in a tornado, fer chrissakes!), but the film’s drama was nothing compared to the battle between The Red Rocker and the Brothers Van Halen. As with his basslines, Michael Anthony was just there, bringing no attention to himself.

There were two major points of contention. First, Sammy chose to stay with his pregnant wife and watch the birth of his daughter rather than come back and work on a second VH song for the soundtrack. What an asshole. Second, Eddie was unhappy with Sammy’s original lyrics because they referenced tornadoes, and according to Eddie, the producers most definitely did not want that. Of course, the producers also included Tori Amos’ “Talula – BT’s Tornado Mix,” with lyrics about chasing tornadoes, but you don’t say no to the Amos.

Anyway, it’s a shame because “Humans Being” and “Don’t Tell Me (What Love Can Do)” from Balance showed Van Hagar moving in a really awesome direction.

“Virtual Reality” wasn’t Rusted Root’s hit, but I’m guessing it’s better than their hit because I don’t remember their hit at all, and this one’s fairly catchy. Tori Amos out-Tori Amos everyone with the aforementioned “Talula – BT’s Tornado Mix.” That implies a different mix. But this is the exact same mix and exact same title as the version that appears on Boys For Pele. Actually Wikipedia tells me that the original song was replaced on later pressings after the Tornado Mix became a hit. I hate when artists do that. Stick to your original vision, dammit! Well, at least she didn’t replace “Professional Widow” with the horrid remix.

Wait, I’m not reviewing a Tori Amos album, am I?

Well, all the rambling means I won’t give in-depth analysis of Alison Krause’s and Mark Knopfler’s melatonin-inducing tracks. Yeah, that’s the reason I don’t want to talk about those songs. Though in So Long And Thanks For All The Fish, Douglas Adams all but tells you that Mark Knopfler songs will get you laid. By getting her to fall asleep, I guess? Dear God, Douglas Adams, why are you promoting date rape?

Oops, went off-topic again. Adams is dead, right? He can’t sue me for libel.

Soul Asylum’s song starts off interesting then delves into “meh,” much like Soul Asylum themselves. Belly’s “Broken” goes down easily, though the melody feels like Courtney Love if Love had straightened up in school and got good grades and stayed off drugs. That’d be an interesting issue of What If…? kd Lang and Lisa Loeb then show up to remind me that I’m supposed to be sleeping. I think. For a movie where tornadoes tear shit up and throw cows across the sky, why can’t the soundtrack be bothered to be a little exciting?

The Chili Peppers continue the “go to sleep” motif with the mellow “Melancholy Mechanics.” Though, in fairness, this is when Dave Navarro was in the band, so even if they did try to rock, it’d be as boring. The Goo Goo Dolls kick things up with a “new mix” of their last good song, “Long Way Down.” It sounds exactly as the mix on A Boy Named Goo. I played both versions back to back to make sure. And I double-checked with Wikipedia. They did not pull a Tori and replace the original with the remix.

Then Shania Twain shows up with extra-twang country. It feels so out-of-place that, at first, I thought Spotify was playing an ad. Then a mediocre Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham tune about chasing storms. I’m calling bullshit on Eddie’s claim that the producers didn’t want tornado-related lyrics. The album closes with an almost six minute instrumental by the brothers Van Halen (I guess Michael Anthony wasn’t invited?) to ensure I go to sleep properly. Good night. Wake me if a tornado comes through.

Van Halen - "Balance"

The album cover pisses me off. No, I don’t find it offensive. I think the concept of Siamese twins forming the Van Halen logo is pretty cool. But the one kid’s leg is pointing the wrong way!!! Did no one notice that? Were they all too busy telling Eddie, “No, no, that goatee totally looks cool on you”?

Van Hagar gets a lot of flak, but as a kid, I dug them. Granted, they gave us “Right Now,” a song so horrible, it single-handedly killed Crystal Pepsi. But they also gave us “I Can’t Drive 55.” What? That’s one of Sammy’s solo songs? What about “There’s Only One Way To Rock”? “Heavy Metal”? “Buying My Way Into Heaven”? All solo Hagar? Okay, then why did I like Van Hagar?

In all fairness, Van Halen was already on the trajectory into suckiness by the time Sammy joined. The two preceding albums were Diver Down and 1984. And people only think 1984 is a good album because it has “Hot For Teacher.”

Album opener “The Seventh Seal” features chanting monks, because this was the 90s, and for some reason, chanting monks was a really big thing at the time. But it’s a solid rocker, even if it feels more like Sammy Hagar solo track due to the lack of Eddie’s signature guitar wankery, er, wizardy. But then it’s followed by “Can’t Stop Lovin’ You,” which highlights everything you hate about Van Hagar. I’m surprised some country artist hasn’t covered this already. I could see Carrie Underwood belting this out… Okay, no lie, after I wrote that line, I double checked with Wikipedia to see if anyone had covered it. Carrie Underwood did a duet with Aerosmith on an unrelated song also titled “Can’t Stop Lovin’ You.” I didn’t even have subconscious knowledge of this existing!

Saying “Don’t Tell Me (What Love Can Do)” is the best thing Van Hagar ever did is kind of like saying you’re the valedictorian of remedial class. Not much strong competition. But in this case, it’s a little more akin to Albert Einstein accidentally finding himself in remedial class. The main riff is on par with “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love.” Then the album veers back into mediocrity with “Amsterdam.” I remember an interview in Guitar World where Eddie said he hated the song because the lyrics had no substance. So I guess he also hates the entire David Lee Roth era of Van Halen.

“Not Enough” is a power ballad worthy of the 80s. Maybe Carrie Underwood can cover this. Hey, Carrie, give me a call. I’ll produce your next album. It’ll essentially be a tribute to Van Hagar, but we’ll sell millions.

Normally, I’m of the opinion that when a band does an instrumental, the singer just got lazy and didn’t want to write lyrics for the song. Balance features three instrumentals. But I’ll cut Sammy some slack. Considering how much the Van Halens hated him at this point, it’s understandable he wouldn’t want to come to the studio every day.

Overall, this album isn’t that bad. Certainly better than it has any right to be. But it doesn’t deserve a spot in your record collection.

No Alternative

Like 98% of the people who bought this album, I did so for one reason alone. An exclusive Nirvana song. Which was presented as a hidden track. I never understood that. Why hide your album’s strongest selling point? Supposedly, Kurt Cobain didn’t want people buying it solely for a Nirvana song. Which makes even less sense, considering it’s a charity album. Wouldn’t you want to sell as many copies as possible, thus raising more money for the charity? Who cares why they were buying so long as they were buying it?

My main memory of No Alternative was the huge disappointment it was. Here you had 19 talented artists, plus Sarah McLachlan. This should’ve hit it out of the park, even if some of the bands decided to slack and not bring their A game. But it felt like very few of them even brought their B game. Still, now that I’m older and my musical taste has refined, maybe I can appreciate this disc more. But I’m skipping the Sarah McLachlan track, if it’s all the same to you.

Things get off to a great start with “Superdeformed,” possibly my favorite Matthew Sweet song. It’s a lot darker than most of his work (its opening line is “There’s something I should tell you before I take your blindfold off”), but there’s no hiding his knack for catchy melodies. Buffalo Tom’s “For All To See” is good enough to keep the momentum rolling, but dear Lord, who granted Soul Asylum permission to cover “Sexual Healing”? I’m pretty sure that even during the irony-drenched 90s, someone had to have thought, “Yeah, no” when the idea was proposed. Fuck you, Dave Pirner. This was for charity. Charity, man. Think of the children.

Not sure if Urge Overkill comes off sounding better by following that monstrosity, but American Music Club provide a pretty good jam with the awesomely titled “All Your Jeans Were Too Tight.” The only awesome thing about the Goo Goo Dolls’ cover of “Bitch” is the fact that Lance Diamond is on vocals. The further removed we are from 1993, the more surreal it seems that Lance Diamond appears on an album full of alternative rock’s heavyweights.

Pavement get all Pavementy with a song about REM. Honestly, what is the appeal of these guys? Billy Corgan’s not-yet-bald-but-still-oversized ego pops by with “Glynis.” A lot of people online seem to name check this as their favorite Smashing Pumpkins. These people clearly never heard “Drown” or “Mayonaise.” I didn’t care for this song back then, but it’s not so bad in hindsight, with the knowledge that one day MACHINA will be a thing. Except for the attempt at a funky breakdown. That’s as bad as I remembered. Or as I would have remembered if I hadn’t repressed that particular memory.

“Can’t Fight It” proves Bob Mould was still a good songwriter post-Husker Du, while “Hold On” proves I’m staying true to my word and skipping the Sarah McLachlan track. Unfortunately, Soundgarden’s “Show Me” did not show Chris Cornell that he shouldn’t let the other guys write songs. Though, like with the Smashing Pumpkins, it benefits with the hindsight of knowing Down On The Upside is a thing.

Next up is Straightjacket Fits, Barbara Manning, and The Verlaines. I didn’t know who they were then, I still don’t know who they are, and I’ll never bother learning who they are. According to Wikipedia, Barbara Manning’s track is a Verlaines cover. Cute.

Uncle Tupelo turn in an uninspired cover of CCR’s “Effigy.” Beastie Boys do a live version of “It’s The New Style.” Double U Tee Eff? If they were going to retread, couldn’t they have chosen something from Paul’s Boutique instead? The Breeders’ “Iris” is as unmemorable as the rest of their material. Patti Smith’s “Memorial Song” is actually quite beautiful but unfortunately it’s padded out with one of her pretentious spoken word intros.

And the Nirvana song? (Originally titled “Verse Chorus Verse” but later re-titled “Sappy”) Totally worth purchasing this album for. See, kids, this was back in the days before downloading. If you wanted this track, you had to buy No Alternative. But it’s easily in their top 5 recordings. Right behind side one of In Utero. Which would actually make this their seventh-best recording. Hey, stop questioning my math.

Wow, this review has gone on way too long. In closing, No Alternative isn’t worthy of all the hate I placed on it back in the day. But it also isn’t worthy of the nostalgia love it seems to get. Maybe I’ll pick it up again the next time I see it at a thrift store. Maybe I won’t. But goddamn, I still love that Nirvana song.

Goo Goo Dolls - "Hold Me Up"

HYPOTHETICAL: Let’s say you were in a band that rocked (moderately) and have been toiling away in obscurity for years. Then one day, you wake up and have a surprise hit with a crappy ballad. Do you now go back to rocking (moderately) or do you decide to make a career of crappy ballads?

We all know which direction Buffalo’s favorite sons, the Goo Goo Dolls, went. But before they were adult contemporary crooners, they were a Replacements rip-off. I got into them before they got famous, because I’m cool. That’s what makes you cool, kids. Getting into bands before they’re famous.

Actually, I got into them because they had three (3!) songs on the Freddy’s Dead soundtrack. Then I found out they were from Buffalo. So I had to get their CD because I thought that was how to support local music.

SIDE NOTE: How the hell did they get signed to Metal Blade Records???

FUN TRIVIA: Hold Me Up was produced by Armand John Petri, who also produced Milf’s Ha-Ha Bus, a much better album by a much better Buffalo band. I met Armand while I was working at Record Theatre. He told me that he passed on a chance to produce Metallica’s Kill ‘Em All because he didn’t think they were very good. But he did become Sixpence None The Richer’s manager because he thought they were destined for greatness. Also, he was best friends with Rainbow’s bassist’s cousin, or something like that.

Okay, I lied. That wasn’t fun at all. I knew that, but I went ahead and told it anyway. I apologize.

Right off the bat, it’s hard to believe this is the same band that gave us “Name” and “Iris” and all those other songs your mom likes. I remember a review of “Name” that said Johnny earnestly bares his soul open. Well, he does the same here on “Just The Way You Are” but without the melodrama and with a better melody and a rocking riff. This should’ve been the Goos’ breakout song. Their artistic development probably would’ve gone on a better trajectory had it been.

There’s a downright awesome cover of Prince’s “Never Take The Place Of Your Man” with the late Lance Diamond on vocals. There used to be a law that every resident of Buffalo had to go see Lance Diamond’s weekly live show at least once in their life. What, there wasn’t such a law? There should’ve been. Man, that guy was an awesome performer.

Robbie sings about half the songs here, giving the punk ying to Johnny’s pop yang, ensuring a good balance for the album. I think this was the turning point, as Robbie sang the great majority of the first two albums. And it wouldn’t be long before Johnny dominated. Which wouldn’t be a problem if he were still writing good songs.

“Two Days In February,” another should’ve-been-hit, perfectly illustrates the problem with the Goos’ supposed maturation. The version here is simple, bare bones and was even recorded outside. The stripped down feel lets you see just how beautiful of a song it is. After making it big, they re-recorded the song and turned it into an overpolished mess that surely ruined many a prom.

ZZ Top - Antenna

Are record clubs still a thing? Is there some sort of mp3 equivalent? 12 downloads for a penny with membership, requiring a minimum purchase of five U2 albums at full retail value? People blindly accept Apple’s terms of agreement. We’ve got a potential moneymaker here.

If you never were a member of a record club, they operated on a double scam. Every month, they’d select an album and if you didn’t tell them “That album probably sucks ass, keep it in your third-world warehouse,” they’d send it to you and charge full retail. Full retail was an artificially inflated price point that served no purpose other than to give stores the appearance of selling merchandise at discounted prices. Long story short (too late), one month, I forgot to tell Columbia House to kiss my ass, and ZZ Top’s Antenna was delivered into my CD collection. For sixteen bucks 1990s money.

I have a theory about ZZ Top. The longer their beards are, the more their music sucks. Think about it. They were a great boogie rock band in the 70s. Then they grew those beards and started messing around with synthesizers. And no, “Sharp Dressed Man” is not a good song so shut up about it already.

I also have a theory about Kings of Leon. They can only make good music when they have beards. I bet you didn’t realize facial hair could affect one’s artistic abilities.

I used to have a Hot Wheel of the car that appeared in all the ZZ Top videos. I thought it was worth mentioning.

Opener “Pincushion” actually has a good groove. It doesn’t quite harken back to their 70s glory, but it’s closer to that than it is their 80s tripe. Same for the “ballad” that follows it, “Breakaway,” which is really more of a slow blues jam. Okay, I’m looking forward to the rest of this album. I don’t know if I ever actually listened to it before, but it makes me want to boogie.

Did ZZ Top trim their beards while making this album? Dammit. Well, I’m pretty sure my Kings Of Leon theory still holds up.

I wouldn’t consider this essential listening or anything, but if you’re into southern-fried boogie blues rock, Antenna is a worthwhile addition to your collection. Just don’t grow your beard that long. Unless you’re Zakk Wylde. Zakk Wylde can grow his beard as long as he wants. But only because he scares me.

Motley Crue - Motley Crue

I bought this album on cassette and there was a sticker that said it was a “digalog” cassette, which was mastered from a digital source so that the sound quality would be comparable to that of a compact disc. It was the last gasp of the dying cassette industry. Whilst reminiscing on this fact, a few thoughts popped into my head:

1.) I feel really old whenever I think about how many albums I’ve owned on cassette.
2.) I find this tidbit more interesting than anything Motley Crue-related.
3.) I am really pretentious for using the word “whilst.”

If you’re not up on your Motley Crue lore, let me save you a trip to Google. Vince Neil had parted ways with the band and was replaced by John Corabi. Nikki Sixx claimed that the band was now going to be more kick ass because Corabi was a kick ass singer, plus he played guitar, so now the band was going to be even heavier and more metal and a lot of hyperbole.

They then released a self titled album that was met with complete indifference. So they kicked Corabi out and reunited with Vince Neil (whose solo career had been met with complete indifference) to release more albums that were met with complete indifference. Upon reuniting, Nikki Sixx said that Corabi was a kick ass singer, but he wasn’t a bubblegum singer, and that’s what the Crue really needed.

(Mental note: I read too many issues of Metal Edge growing up.)

(Mental note #2: Why is that a bad thing?)

The album starts off with a pretty sweet guitar riff before quickly devolving into a mess of generic 90s hard rock/metal, the kind KISS was churning out at the time. As I’m wont to do with these crappy albums, I’ve started to tune out. I’m surprised when I find that I’m on track 6 instead of track 1 being a 25 minute opus as I originally thought. Why do I torture myself for the sake of a blog being read by one person? (Love ya, Ken!)

It’s ironic that track 9 is called “Welcome To The Numb.” I went numb long ago, I think maybe 45 seconds into the first song. “Smoke The Sky” is possibly the worst marijuana song I’ve ever heard. And I’ve listened to Afroman’s album.

Four songs left and I’m wondering if the integrity of this blog is worth the pain. Confession time. I used to write music reviews for Generation Magazine and sometimes I wouldn’t finish listening to the CD. My view is that if the first 3/4 of an album sucks, the last 1/4 isn’t going to change my mind.

Okay, I tap. Motley Crue may have written the greatest song ever and put it at the end of this album. If that’s the case, fuck you, Motley Crue. But I’m sure I’m justified in not seeing this to the end. Plus, those last few songs are actually bonus tracks from the re-release, so technically, I did make it to the end.

Ghostbusters II Soundtrack

Read the previous two entries on the background to this entry. This is the third of the first three CDs I ever owned.

There’s three kinds of people in the world: those who love Ghostbusters, those who hate it, and those who don’t really care one way or the other. You know what, screw trying to write a witty intro. There was a movie, they made a sequel, this is the soundtrack to the sequel.

Things start off with Bobby Brown’s “On Our Own,” which is an awesome tune. And why shouldn’t it be? It’s essentially “Every Little Step” with Ghostbuster-centric lyrics. But then it’s followed up by a Bobby Brown-less New Edition track. At first this seems like a gracious gesture on Brown’s part, allowing his former bandmates a spot in the Ghostbusters II glory. But listening to the limp song, it’s obvious Brown wanted to highlight how much they suck without him. Well played, Mr. Whitney Houston, well played.

Next up is J.T. Taylor with a lame attempt at a Bobby Brown-type ballad, followed by another fun, bouncy Bobby Brown song. Wait, is the purpose of this soundtrack to show how much more awesome he is than his R&B peers? Because you don’t need to resort to such cheap tricks, Bobby. By 1990, it had been scientifically proven you were the best new jack swing had to offer.

Doug E Fresh and Run DMC throw some great Ghostbusters-centric raps at us. Sure, they don’t rank high with either artist’s catalogue, but so what? I’m having too much fun at this point. Ditto the selections from Oingo Boingo, Elton John, and Glenn Frey. Nothing essential or classic to be found on this record, but aside from some filler, it’s a jubilant ride. Is jubilant the right word? I didn’t want to say fun again.

One complaint, though. I understand that they wanted to keep sales of the soundtrack to the first Ghostbusters strong, but couldn’t they have given us the Ghostbusters theme? Or at least Huey Lewis’ “I Want A New Drug”? (Look it up, kids, if you don’t get it.)

Freddy's Dead Soundtrack

Last time on Soundtrack To My Youth, young Al had received a Christmas gift of a CD player and 3 CDs. Those CDs had been chosen for him based on movies he had enjoyed. Old Al takes a trip in the Wayback Machine to see if those were wise choices. Now let us return to our tale as he slashes his way through another CD.

I saw A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master in the theater. In retrospect, I’m not sure what my mom was thinking, considering I was 7 at the time. But I was already a huge fan of the series. When A Nightmare On Elm Street 5: The Dream Child rolled around, I was in the theater for that one too. Then I got in trouble in fourth grade for carrying my schoolwork in a Freddy Krueger folder. My teacher didn’t like the idea of glorifying serial killers. But hey, if Freddy is such a bad role model, why would they make Freddy Krueger folders for kids to carry their schoolwork in? Anyways, this was the same teacher who wouldn’t let me write an essay on Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake because wrestlers only know how to solve problems with violence.

Of course, I had to be there opening night for Freddy’s Dead that at the end of the film, Freddy would indeed be dead, ending my beloved series. Of course, we should’ve known better when Iggy Pop snarled “Do you really think Freddy’s dead?” in the theme song. Fuck you, Iggy. Warn us when there’s a spoiler alert ahead.

If I had to guess the film’s plot based solely on the soundtrack, I’d think Freddy dies from listening to the Goo Goo Dolls. Seriously, they have three songs on here. Probably because the album was released on Metal Blade. Speaking of which, how the hell did the Goos get signed to Metal Blade? Granted, they hadn’t turned into a godawful adult contemporary band yet, but a second-rate Replacements rip-off still seems out of place.

That said, the Goo Goo Dolls tracks (two of which were taken from Hold Me Up, which I’ll revisit in a future blog) are pretty good. They sound like something Paul Westerberg would’ve written if he needed a few more songs for his album and was running out of studio time and pretty much just didn’t give a shit.

Maybe their songs just seem better because the rest of the record, other than Chubb Rock’s excellent single “Treat ‘Em Right,” is bland at best, cringe-worthy at worst. The 90s were not a good time for Iggy Pop’s creative juices (they must have drained out with all the blood he had lost by then). Maybe the Fates Warning song is good. I don’t know. I hate progressive metal. Freddy may not be dead, but I wish prog-metal was.

Batman Returns Soundtrack

When I was twelve, my mom decided the best Christmas gift she could get me was a CD player. Remember, we’re talking early 90s, so this was a pretty big deal. Of course, it would’ve been a lame gift without some CDs to go with it. Not knowing what type of music I was actually into, my mom decided to pick up some soundtracks, figuring that since I enjoyed the movies, I surely enjoyed the music as well. Plus, they were in the bargain bin, but I’m sure that had absolutely nothing to do with her decision. Over the next few blogs, I’ll revisit the first three CDs I ever owned. So let’s go to the movies, shall we?

The main thing I remember about Batman Returns is how hot Michelle Pfeiffer was as Catwoman. Even hotter than Julie Newmar! If I was married to Michelle Pfeiffer, I’d make her wear the Catwoman outfit and whip me while reciting dialogue from Dangerous Minds… What? Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be reviewing the soundtrack.

I’ve never understood the market for original scores. Am I supposed to listen to this and reminisce about watching the movie? Or do I blare it and swing from the chandelier, pretending that I’m the Dark Knight? Actually, the music is making me want to do that. Alfred, get my batarang.

Danny Elfman is a talented composer, and he does a great job of really creating mood and atmosphere. But I don’t really foresee myself pouring a glass of wine and putting on “Batman vs The Circus” to get my wife in the mood. That’s the only reason people listen to classical music, right? To get laid?

Oh yeah, there’s also a Siouxsie and the Banshees song. It’s fun and kind of sexy, but it’s no “Batdance.” How much more awesome would Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy have been had Prince done the soundtracks? 165.73 times more awesome. I did the math.

DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince - Rock The House

Sure, you know Will Smith the actor, but did you know he was also a rapper? Of course, you did. Eminem took a shot at him for bragging that he didn’t need to swear to sell records. But before we got the Big Willie who liked to get jiggy (I can never say that without feeling racist), we had the Fresh Prince. And before he moved to Bel Air, he got second billing to DJ Jazzy Jeff.

DJJ&TFP were a hit with the kids thanks to their infectious goofiness. You couldn’t be cool if you didn’t own one of their albums. So in my quest to be cool, I went to Hills (there’s a throwback) and got Rock The House on cassette (there’s another throwback) for five bucks!!! Of course, that’s five bucks 1980s money, which I think is equivalent to about $100 when adjusted for inflation.

I don’t have too many memories when it comes to this album. I owned this, one friend owned He’s The DJ, I’m The Rapper, and another friend owned In This Corner, so we made up the DJJ&TFP trifecta. Yeah, that’s pretty much all I remember. So let’s spin the vinyl and see if I get any longer lasting memories. And by spin the vinyl, I mean hit play on Spotify.

Things kick off with a sample of the I Dream Of Jeannie theme. So right from the beginning of his career, Will Smith was all about samples. Granted, this was common for hip hop, but Smith took it to such an obnoxious level in his solo albums that even Puff Daddy shook his head in shame.

Man, I miss this style of hip hop. Goofy stories over bouncy beats. What’s Biz Markie up to these days? I imagine an alternate universe where we got Biz Markie Of Bel Air then he went on to star in a biopic of George Foreman. Where’s the portal to take me to that universe?

There’s really not much to say about this album. If you’ve ever heard any song DJJ&TFP put out between 1987 and 1989, Rock The House is essentially ten variations on that song. Not that that’s a bad thing. These guys are clearly the life of the party, a party that I never want to end. Please don’t kick me out, Jazz. I can sleep on the couch. Actually, Fresh Prince claims Jazzy Jeff is an Autobot, so maybe it’s best I do what he says.

I wouldn’t quite classify Rock The House as a must-have. But if you find it on sale for five bucks, preferably on cassette, pick it up. Throw it in a boombox. Put on some acid-washed jeans, or better yet, a tracksuit. Get some heavy gold chains. And proceed to sway your dwelling.

Def Leppard - Adrenalize

Let’s be honest with ourselves here. Everyone has a Def Leppard phase. I can’t explain it. Some sort of faulty wiring from God. But there has been or there will be a period in which you think Def Leppard is cool. It’s best to just accept it and move on.

So which Lep album did I crank out? Pyromania with the pulsating ode to stupidity “Rock Of Ages”? Or perhaps Hysteria with the iconic stripper anthem “Pour Some Sugar On Me”? Nope, I had Adrenalize with… um… something, I guess.

Looking over the tracklist, not much of it seems familiar, which is kind of odd. I remember the album being pretty huge at the time. I even had the accompanying Visualize VHS, featuring the seven music videos released for this album. Yes, out of the 10 songs, 7 (!) were released as singles. Who do these guys think they are? Michael Jackson?

According to Wikipedia, this album knocked Nirvana’s Nevermind from the #1 spot on Billboard. A cheesy hair metal band beat out the kings of grunge during the height of grunge??? So why did we as a nation decide to collectively erase this from our memories? Maybe the answer lies inside. Let’s hit play.

(Is it too late to listen to Thriller or Nevermind instead? I’m scared)

Okay, things start off on a decent note with the fun little romp “Let’s Get Rocked.” I think Lep might be the only band that likes rock n’ roll more than AC/DC. Though I must question the line “I’m sick and tired of dancing with this broom.” Is this something teenage boys do in England?

Then track 2 starts and my lactose intolerance is already giving me diarrhea. Where’s Bon Scott when you need him? Oh yeah, choked on his own vomit.

Lep guitarist Steve Clark choked on his own vomit before the recording of this album. AC/DC went on to make Back In Black. Def Leppard went on to make this.

Continuing with my stream of consciousness here, I remember on the Visualize tape, there was an interview with Joe Elliott saying that they still had the punk rock spirit. Um, okay?

We’re halfway through the album and I’m ready to throw in the towel when “Stand Up, Kick Love Into Motion” catches me by surprise. This is a power ballad that can stand tall amongst the best the eighties had to offer. I mean, if you’re into that sort of stuff. Which I most certainly am not. *locks door and shuts blinds*

And then we’re back into “Def Leppard makes me hate music and life in general” territory. I’m beginning to think that “Stand Up” only seems good because of the craptasticness of the rest of the album.

This is essentially, Hysteria, Pt. 2. Def Leppard does all the things that Def Leppard does. So I guess if you’re in your Def Leppard phase and have finished listening to Hysteria, you could do worse than this. You could also do a lot better. Like not listening to Def Leppard.

Before I’m completely done with this, I’ll watch the video for “Let’s Get Rocked.” It was kind of cool back in the day, with its state-of-the-art CGI animation. I dare say the graphics can stand up alongside the stuff you see these days. In commercials for The General Insurance, I mean.

Paula Abdul - "Shut Up And Dance: The Dance Mixes"

In that magical time when the 80s were ending and the 90s were beginning, Paula Abdul was crazy hot. Nowadays, she’s just crazy, but truth be told, I’d still hit it. My wife’s not reading this blog, is she?

Before I fully gave my soul over to rock n’ roll, I dug Paula Abdul’s music. It was catchy and had a good beat. Plus she was crazy hot, and back then, that went a long way in influencing my musical tastes. So I asked my parents to get me Forever Your Girl. My stepdad went to The Wall (there’s a throwback for you, kids) and came back with this instead.

But I didn’t care. All the hits were there, albeit in a different form. And there were pictures of Abdul. Did I mention that a large part of why I liked her was the fact that she was crazy hot? But how will I feel about this album now that I’m older and a singer’s hotness has only a partial influence on my musical tastes. Let’s give this a spin.

Man, this is jarring. I know these songs, yet they feel all wrong. First off, let me vent of my semantic displeasure with the term remix. Shouldn’t a remix be just changing the levels of everything in the mix? You know, remix = mixing again. Shouldn’t adding new elements or changing tempos qualify as something else? I digress.

Wow, this gets painful quick. I think the remixers just took the songs and hit some of the presequenced settings on their Casio. The “Aw yeah!” on the “Straight Up” remix cracks me up, I could’ve been a remixer in the 90s. Maybe I still can be one. Does DeVry offer a course in remixing?

Most of the tracks clock in just under 7 minutes (with the medley mix clocking just over 7 minutes), but they all seem to last for 20 minutes. Maybe this album contains the key to time manipulation. Perhaps this’d work better if I was in a club, grinding against a hottie, telling her that my uncle knows a guy who goes to the same gym as the window washer for Virgin Records’ executive building.

In closing, listening to this album killed any chance there was of me starting a Paula Abdul cover band. In fact, it killed any chance of me loving music again. Not really. But I feel hollow inside, a hollowness that can only be filled by tacos. To the taco truck!

GREEN DAY - INSOMNIAC

Like many of my generation, Green Day was my introduction to “punk.” Hey, cut me slack. Not all 13 year olds are aware of the world of music outside of mainstream radio, especially not back in the early 90s. Green Day’s Dookie was catchy with enough snotty attitude to be a hit amongst my high school peers. Then came the follow-up.

I’m hesitant to consider Insomniac the forgotten Green Day album, especially when Warning exists. Insomniac is more the overlooked Green Day album.

A lot of my friends hated the album for essentially be an inferior rehash of Dookie. While I also thought it wasn’t quite as good as Dookie, I still found it to be something I could rock out to at the time. Can I still rock out to it in my late thirties? Let’s find out.

In hindsight, it’s probably best to view this more as a pop album rather than a punk album. And on those terms, it more or less succeeds. The melodies are catchy and everything moves along briskly. But in a way, that’s also to the album’s detriment. One of the first things I noticed is that nothing really sinks in.

No real surprises here. Other than the singles “Geek Stink Breath”, “Brain Stew”, and “Jaded” (yeah, yeah, I know they were released as one single, but technically, they’re too separate songs) and the uncharacteristically long intro to “Panic Song,” nothing really jumps out.

That said, it is still a fun listen. The snotty attitude is entertaining and the brief running time ensures it doesn’t wear out its welcome. And no cheesy ballads. Not a classic by any means, but there’s worse ways to waste a half hour of your life.

Welcome to my latest attempt at a blog. Not to be confused with my abandoned "Soundtrack To My Life" blog. We all have embarrasing skeletons in our musical closets, and I'll be airing some of mine. Taking albums that I loved in my teens and twenties but haven't listened to in ages, I'll see how my old man self reacts to them. I have no fear of looking uncool. You probably didn't think I was cool to begin with.